Confessions of an Army Sis.

So I have a lot of things running through my mind at the moment and the best place for me to put them down would be...here...my Internet scrapbooking/journal to the world. This jumbled up entry may not get anywhere, because like I said my mind is in all directions with one core issue at hand. Yesterday.

Yesterday I was driving the girls for a little cousin play date 45 minutes away from our house. Five minutes out of town I get my first text: "Have you heard from David?" This is kind of a normal text. My brother, an E5 Sargent, stationed at Fort Hood can go weeks without speaking to certain people and a few members of the family will ask me if I have "heard from David?" Since I'm in the middle of traffic I don't answer. Then the texts begin pouring in? "Is your brother ok?" "Can you believe this is going on? It's crazy!" "Omigosh I hope your brother is ok...have you heard from him?" The last from my husband reads, "I heard about what happened at Fort Hood, I hope your brother is ok."

My mind is reeling. It is trying to place together what could be going on...I try to call back any of these people and NO ONE is answering...so I look to the sky. Sure I live about 2 hours away from Kileen but if the base was bombed there would be smoke right....well nothing is there and finally my mom answers the phone.

ME: "So. What's going on?"

Mom: "Well, I'm not sure. Apparently there are shooters at Ft Hood. It could be a terrorist attack...I'm waiting to hear from Lauren (his wife) because she thinks he is out of town...oh! I have to go Granny's on the other line." click.

My mind is spinning. My arms, my legs, my fingers...shaking. Jaxon is in the back singing to "All the Single Ladies" and I have to pull over because I can't see straight, think straight...nothing. I was going to turn back and go home but when I called our play date I could hear her crying in the background...not something that I wanted from Jaxon at the moment either so I kept urging my way to their house.

I finally hear from my dad that my brother is in Fort Worth at a Wedding...but only minutes later that that isn't right. He was in the building when this happened. The guy above my brother was at the wedding...but David is accounted for.

After 10 minutes of frantically searching for CNN on my SIRIUS radio (no I don't have it programmed...I like listening to things that make me smile) I finally found it and they claimed, "Not a terrorist attack the FBI is ruling it out at this moment."

Terror is defined as intense, sharp, overmastering fear: to be frantic with terror. And terrorism is defined as the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

Yesterday. Yesterday for 5 hours I was filled with terror. Yesterday, and overmastering fear was squeezing my heart and shaking my limbs. Yesterday, families around our country lost brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers...and the root of it was terrorism. Yes Nidal Malik Hasan is an American soldier, but he has terrorist written all over him.

I'm not referring to his race. I'm not referring to his religion. I'm referring to his actions that led to a fearful feeling spread across the nation. And now all I can do is shake my head at our country. At our country's people. What is this world coming to?

I felt the same way in high school after the Columbine shootings...I didn't want to ever go back to school because I thought for sure someone would do the same thing there.

I felt the same way after 9/11...I wanted to move to the middle of nowhere, USA so a bomber would never find me.

I felt the same way after the Virginia Tech massacre, because I knew that some scary person was going to walk into our Abilene Christian Athletic Offices and shoot because they were never given a chance to play.

Yes, I am a bit of a drama queen...but terror follows you and is never erased. These four nightmares stay with me when I go shopping, when I travel, when I answer my door...My mind is always running and checking people out...I hate that I live like this, but what do you do with today's society?

Prayer after prayer is constantly running through my mind. For my family. For these families who are suffering from losses at the hands of others. I am constantly praying for them and crying for them...and what I know is that this world is not ready for "change." A month after our president wins the Nobel Peace Prize, one of his own soldiers brings havoc on our country's soil killing those who trained alongside him.

Yesterday, at 5 pm, my brother texted me. "I'm fine." That was all it said...and all it needed to say. At that moment, all the fears boiling inside of me cooled off and I had never felt so nauseous. In the presence of others I kept my cool, but I wanted to run into a corner and cry my heart out. It's the same feeling I had when my brother's plane would touch on American soil again after a tour in Iraq. So now I'm so very thankful that he is alright...and hurt for the others who cannot say those words.

My mind is still all over the place and I only touched a few of the things on my mind. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm scared and mad. I'm rejoicing that all of my family is home and accounted for but what does that mean when things happen like they did yesterday. Tomorrow is another day that can be someone elses yesterday.