I've done it.

I'VE GOT 10,000 WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

60,000 to go...

How do I do this?

It's day four of writing and I'm doing...........ok? I had a really good start the first day, which has kept me afloat the last couple days but now I'm just a little distracted. And it's only day four.

Yup...this is kind of a post full of complaints. Kind of. Well really, my only complaint is that I feel like poo. I've decided that I either have strep, the flu, or death is upon me. So that is my major distraction...it's hard to focus when my stomach is in knots and my nose/throat/head are planning attacks against me.

I have tried the pep talk approach. I used to be an athlete...I even coached at the collegiate level. I know what it takes to motivate people. So I've done the equivalent of tattooing "Just Do It" to the top of my hands--with a pen--and I start in on my document. I get in the groove. I get to about 500 words of this writing session and then Super Baby falls into the guitar. The dog chews on another toy. I have to give the "You must put your toys up when you're done or else this dog will chew up everything you have ever been given" speech for the seven hundredth time. Someone gets thirsty. Hungry. Potty time. Spilling a non-spillable sippy cup. Dirty diaper. Bonked head.  "I wanna hold you," (this one gets me every time). And then i have someone sitting on my hands...which are connected to the laptop... inherently ending the writing session.

So, after all that has happened I give in and turn on TV, because nothing says "you're a good mom" better than turning on Tangled so your kids can fall into a coma-like state just so you can try to write.

Document is once again open, I'm typing away, and then Rapunzel leaves her tower, sliding down the long golden hair that only Disney and Pantene can give. The girls jump!squeal!rejoice!!! and get into position. Once again I'm distracted by the 4 year old and 2 year old doing their own personal rendition of When Will My Life Begin. They know every word and movement...beginning with the rolling on the grass. I've seen it seventeen hundred times and I still can't look away.

So what should I do? Find a cabin located in the woods with no distraction and consequently no inspiration? Or stay here in this crazy house and just love my kids and pray they nap for five hours at at time? Obviously my choice is the second one, because a life without this is boring. And easy. And boring.

Alright. I'll post this and try add another five hundred words to my document.

Have a happy Friday!!

Day one.

It's 2am. I just finished a crazy write-a-thon. I've had approximately a gallon of coffee since 9pm and I can still feel it flowing through my veins.

 Eventually it will wear off, this will happen to me...

And then the girls will wake up. 

Anyway, day one went well. I pulled out 5000 some odd words in a few hours and things are rolling somewhat smooth. Thank you for all your kind words of encouragement. And good night!! Or morning. Whichever. 

She's writing a book?! Whaaaaat?

Hello all!! It has been a long while since I have posted here. So long that I don't even recognize the site anymore. I like it though...so good job Blogger!

I'm here for a reason though. You can probably tell from the title of this post, but I'm going to write a book. Well, let me rephrase, I have a story that I'm dying to get out. I'm going to write it all down. And if it gets published? We'll just have to cross that bridge when we get there. 

This has been my inspiration. I look at it every day to remind myself that my crazy adventure is not so crazy.

So, I've had a few inbox messages since I came out as a wannabe-writer on Facebook. Let me sum up a few things here.

Someone asked-strongly suggested-if I could blog my experience. I thought about it for a minute and decided it'd be a great idea to share a tidbit every now and again...just to keep me motivated. So here I am. Blogging again. 

How do you plan to write with those kids at home?

These kids I have I marvelous creatures. Just today I had gone to shower while they were both napping and when I got out (like, 10 minutes later) they had turned on the TV, were watching Sportscenter, and were scarfing down the Halloween cookies we had made last night. It didn't matter that six cookies went missing within the five minute window I've given them. They had provided themselves entertainment-that they were complaining about-and quenched their appetite. My rugrats will survive my endless hours at the computer. And hopefully they will still look like this when I'm all done. 

Also, I plan to do a lot of writing after the house is asleep. Which means I will look like the female equivalent to this most days. 

What's your book about?

It's about a girl. She goes through some stuff...and there is a boy involved. Maybe two. It'll be kinda romantic but mostly she finds herself through the journey?

Yes, this is the actual answer I give people. I don't know how to talk about it because it's a progression. And really, you don't have to worry about this until it gets published. And if THAT ever happens, I'm sure they have people who do summaries for a living. 

Am I going to be in your book?

If you have ever wronged me in any way, expect to be in chapter 10. That's when stuff really goes down. 

Totally kidding. When I got the idea for this book I was watching my 4 year old do something extraordinary. She was letting a boy stand up for the inescapable boo-boo she had been given...so it started there. The only other character in this book inspired by anyone in my life is the grandma. She's a lot like my granny. Cooky. Silly. And randomly spouts out wisdom at the most inopportune times. 

WILL THERE BE SEX?!?!!?

I can honestly say that I could never write out a sex scene knowing that one day my grandmother and mother would read it. There's that. 

What? Are you the descendant of a bunch of prudes?!

Yes. 

What about God?

What about him? He is a major player in my life and is constantly present in my life. Why wouldn't I include him here?

Do you have the proper support?

Absolutely. First, I have a husband who has been my fan since my freshman year in college. I told him I wanted to write a book and he went and bought me a laptop. This guy loves me and really wants me to do this. 

Second, my best friend is two pom-poms short of joining a squad. And she's vowed to tell me if anything is awful. I trust her. 

Third, I have a lot of family who are seeing me through this. None of which have looked at me like I've lost my mind. I appreciate that most. 

And fourth...I have somehow found my way into a fabulous group of women who know what they are doing   when it comes to working the keyboard. They also know how to tell me to "GET OFF FACEBOOK! QUIT CHECKING YOUR EMAIL!! AND QUIT WASTING YOUR TIME!!!" This is also appreciated. 

How are you going about doing this?

Well, I've entered myself into a writing workshop of sorts. I did it to initially give me a swift kick in the butt to get started on my story. The goal of this workshop is to get 50,000 words in the month of November and to finish my novel. Or the first draft of said novel. 

I will no doubt be typing like this...

So there are bound to be a few mistakes. 

That's all for now. I embark on this journey tomorrow and I'm super excited!!! 

From one soapbox to another.

Two posts. In the same month...I know shocking. Anyway, I've had something bothering me as of late and this pesky situation was just brought to a head when I read something a friend of mine wrote. I'm going to get started on my end then bring it all together.

First off, Society-you confuse the hell out of me (with this being said, I must apologize to 90% of my readers for saying the word 'hell.' I know you are my family...but these are my sentiments).

Almost three years ago my little family of two took on a whole new form and we had our first baby. At this time I was working the way I had dreamt about since I was in high school. I wasn't just coaching my favorite sport but I was coaching college athletes. This was the very thing I took classes for at ACU. I loved working my 40+ hour weeks. Leaving the house at 7 every morning and returning at 7pm daily. My weekends were gone but all of this was ok because I was "living my dream."

After having Jax I felt the same way. Seriously, I did. My grandmother watched her in the mornings and then tag teamed with other baby sitters throughout the day. And EVERY TIME (literally every time) we got to do anything as a family--whether it be going to church or running into a friend at the mall--we would run into someone who would ask if I was staying home with my baby. Yes this is a blog about staying home with my kids. When I would say "No" I would get a look of disappointment from the other party. Every time. Then they would ask who was taking care of my kids...to which I would tell them about my herd of sitters and if I can put words in their mouths they would read, "how awful for your children to be passed around from person to person while you 'work.'" This was always written all over their face.

So I would roll my eyes as we walked away. I wasn't going to let someone else dictate my life. I wasn't going to be THAT woman who spent thousands of dollars on my education...then push it to the side once I had offspring. And my first season as a coach and a mother was around the corner and surely I wouldn't go crazy.

Well, I did. Where I had fun constantly being on the ball field, and watching people succeed where I had helped was simply amazing. But I was never home. There were times where I wasn't home four days out of the workweek. Baby sitters were staying till 11pm because my husband had the crazy spring football schedule that Abilene High demanded. And on nights where I was home it was a blur of paying the sitter/cooking dinner for the family/bathing kid/cleaning/putting kid to sleep.

This isn't being a parent. I'd come home to put my child to sleep. Lame.

I was miserable in my job because I couldn't be happy at home. So something had to give. I debated what should be done for a while, then finally gave into the fact that for a few years I could waste my education. I could let my dream job go because none of that matters if my family is being raised by other people. So I "hung up my cleats." Or coaching shoes. I kept up with ACU softball and the conference for the last two years as if I still knew everyone and sure I miss it a little but none of that compares to sharing all the little moments I have with my kids.

So now. Here I am back on my soapbox. Yesterday. At church. I'm trying to drop Max off at the nursery. It's obvious she doesn't want to let go of me....We're a little attached....And not one...not two...but three, THREE(!) different woman said to me with a disappointed face, "You're a stay at home mom. Aren't you?" Mentally, I thought "screw you" while the smile on my face was read differently.

Then, this morning I'm reading a note that my friend had on Facebook. K. If you're reading this, I'm not upset, in fact I don't really care because I don't necessarily think your note applies to me. I just feel the need to stick up for the Bigots and Neo-fems that us stay at home moms are. I didn't plan to be a "birther." I don't think all women should have kids. I don't think all women should stay at home with kids. I'm lucky that I'm not married to a "sexist-racist-bastard" as you so eloquently put. My husband could care less what I do and was just as surprised/shocked as I was when the strip turned pink...or blue...whatever it does. All, I'm saying is that these words that you put out there are ignorant. Yes ignorant.

Anyone can put words out there. Hurtful words. True words. Whatever. But until you are standing there with a family of your own, and facing children of your own who are screaming "No mommy don't go," every time you leave for the weekend...then you don't know any better.

I'm not "wasting" my intelligence. I'm sharing it with my kid/s. I don't want an award. I don't even want recognition for this (another reason why I don't think I fit into your bitter rant). I just didn't want your rant to be out there with out a rebuttal. I had this little blog of my own brewing in my mind lately and your soap box just fed my own.

Society is so screwed where two women can feel the same pressures completely different ways.

Society. What do you want me to do?

Just kidding, I could care less what society wants me to do. I just want you to lay off my back. I'm happy. My kids are happy with me. Jax picks my side of the bed to come to after she's had a bad dream. She calls for me in her sleep when she's too scared to get down from her bed. All of these things I chalk up in the Win column. These are things that would be different if I were working right now. I know it.

Maybe this is lame to some other people. Maybe I deserve "SO. MUCH. MORE." as a woman and I'm selling myself short. Screw that. My kids are young once. I can live my dream later. And they can have their mommy now.

Trying to get my butt back in shape

Yes. It's been forever since I updated this blog...I'd probably keep the lack of story telling going but this subject is just way too long for a Facebook status update. Not that anyone would care to read this. Maybe my granny. Maybe my mom...Either way, I'm in the process of trying to get back into shape. Or just not be so round, if you will. And its so hard.

I started this a couple months ago. I'm not religiously going at it like I should be, but I'm definitely doing more than what I did before. Jax is nearly three and I can honestly say that aside from softball practice after she was born I have not exercised. Yikes. I know.

I take pride in the fact that at one point in my life I ran a mile in 7 minutes and 38 seconds. Then bested that only once. This was something I never really worked at to begin with until I played ball at ACU. I mean why does a third baseman need to be able to sprint a mile? They don't...so don't try to talk me into any reasoning. My point is that at one point in my life I was in shape and smaller. And even then I didn't like my body. Here I am, muuuch bigger, and so much more out of shape I hate myself for ever losing that motivation.

So now, I'm trying to get myself back into. In the clammy Houston heat. The second I step outside, the hair at the nape of my neck beads up with sweat. And this is at 8am. I could wake myself up and the girls and get a move on at 6:30. But I'm not that crazy.

And yes I am doing this business with the company of my little girls (in the double jogger) and Petey strapped on as well. They are the perfect motivators. Jax will say, "Ma, You should go faster." And when I do Maddi claps. It's great...then "Petey" gets tired so I have to slow down...for his sake of course. Right now we are working at a pace of 25 minutes for 2 and a half miles. Yes, I know this is awful, but my excuse is that I'm pushing the girls and pulling Petey as well. My goal is not 7 minutes, but to be able to run five miles in a steady jog like my grandma does...let's see if I can get there. On a lighter note...here are the girls...being cute :)

Confessions of an Army Sis.

So I have a lot of things running through my mind at the moment and the best place for me to put them down would be...here...my Internet scrapbooking/journal to the world. This jumbled up entry may not get anywhere, because like I said my mind is in all directions with one core issue at hand. Yesterday.

Yesterday I was driving the girls for a little cousin play date 45 minutes away from our house. Five minutes out of town I get my first text: "Have you heard from David?" This is kind of a normal text. My brother, an E5 Sargent, stationed at Fort Hood can go weeks without speaking to certain people and a few members of the family will ask me if I have "heard from David?" Since I'm in the middle of traffic I don't answer. Then the texts begin pouring in? "Is your brother ok?" "Can you believe this is going on? It's crazy!" "Omigosh I hope your brother is ok...have you heard from him?" The last from my husband reads, "I heard about what happened at Fort Hood, I hope your brother is ok."

My mind is reeling. It is trying to place together what could be going on...I try to call back any of these people and NO ONE is answering...so I look to the sky. Sure I live about 2 hours away from Kileen but if the base was bombed there would be smoke right....well nothing is there and finally my mom answers the phone.

ME: "So. What's going on?"

Mom: "Well, I'm not sure. Apparently there are shooters at Ft Hood. It could be a terrorist attack...I'm waiting to hear from Lauren (his wife) because she thinks he is out of town...oh! I have to go Granny's on the other line." click.

My mind is spinning. My arms, my legs, my fingers...shaking. Jaxon is in the back singing to "All the Single Ladies" and I have to pull over because I can't see straight, think straight...nothing. I was going to turn back and go home but when I called our play date I could hear her crying in the background...not something that I wanted from Jaxon at the moment either so I kept urging my way to their house.

I finally hear from my dad that my brother is in Fort Worth at a Wedding...but only minutes later that that isn't right. He was in the building when this happened. The guy above my brother was at the wedding...but David is accounted for.

After 10 minutes of frantically searching for CNN on my SIRIUS radio (no I don't have it programmed...I like listening to things that make me smile) I finally found it and they claimed, "Not a terrorist attack the FBI is ruling it out at this moment."

Terror is defined as intense, sharp, overmastering fear: to be frantic with terror. And terrorism is defined as the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, esp. for political purposes.

Yesterday. Yesterday for 5 hours I was filled with terror. Yesterday, and overmastering fear was squeezing my heart and shaking my limbs. Yesterday, families around our country lost brothers, sisters, wives, husbands, mothers, and fathers...and the root of it was terrorism. Yes Nidal Malik Hasan is an American soldier, but he has terrorist written all over him.

I'm not referring to his race. I'm not referring to his religion. I'm referring to his actions that led to a fearful feeling spread across the nation. And now all I can do is shake my head at our country. At our country's people. What is this world coming to?

I felt the same way in high school after the Columbine shootings...I didn't want to ever go back to school because I thought for sure someone would do the same thing there.

I felt the same way after 9/11...I wanted to move to the middle of nowhere, USA so a bomber would never find me.

I felt the same way after the Virginia Tech massacre, because I knew that some scary person was going to walk into our Abilene Christian Athletic Offices and shoot because they were never given a chance to play.

Yes, I am a bit of a drama queen...but terror follows you and is never erased. These four nightmares stay with me when I go shopping, when I travel, when I answer my door...My mind is always running and checking people out...I hate that I live like this, but what do you do with today's society?

Prayer after prayer is constantly running through my mind. For my family. For these families who are suffering from losses at the hands of others. I am constantly praying for them and crying for them...and what I know is that this world is not ready for "change." A month after our president wins the Nobel Peace Prize, one of his own soldiers brings havoc on our country's soil killing those who trained alongside him.

Yesterday, at 5 pm, my brother texted me. "I'm fine." That was all it said...and all it needed to say. At that moment, all the fears boiling inside of me cooled off and I had never felt so nauseous. In the presence of others I kept my cool, but I wanted to run into a corner and cry my heart out. It's the same feeling I had when my brother's plane would touch on American soil again after a tour in Iraq. So now I'm so very thankful that he is alright...and hurt for the others who cannot say those words.

My mind is still all over the place and I only touched a few of the things on my mind. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm scared and mad. I'm rejoicing that all of my family is home and accounted for but what does that mean when things happen like they did yesterday. Tomorrow is another day that can be someone elses yesterday.